Remembering

Autumn seems to have the same savour as it had in the past. Back in the time when I was in high school and then at university. The light of the sun changes its feel and the air gets a bit less caressing. I often think of the time when I was in Brasov, living in one of those post-WWII houses with tall walls and very little light seeping through the windows because of their awkward positioning and architecture. I see and feel the same things that I did then. A bit shy, anxious about the future but eager to get on with it and do my best. 

Walking through the streets of that old medieval city has always made me feel like I lived in a different time period. Walking to school or to university was never a boring process as there were so many building to see and analyse and so many potential stories to imagine about the lives of the people who lived in them throughout the years. About their dreams and lifestyle, about their way of perceiving life and people they came into contact with. There were other times when the buildings almost vanished as my mind was clouded with worries about the future, about not being good enough or about failing to meet expectations I had set for myself and that I thought my parents had set for me. 

I am so different now. I have learned more about how to live in the present, about how to stay afloat when things get tough and about how to take responsibility for my own actions and even for my own feelings. I have stopped blaming my parents for “faulty" behaviour patterns and for things that “they did to me”. I guess that this is part of entering the world of adults and really getting on with it. Determinism plays only a limited part in my life now. I am more in control of my emotions and of what makes me me. I can’t say that I’ve reached a stage where nothing touches me. If anything, my sensitivity has increased but I am no longer a victim to it. I am still human and that feels like it’s the way it is supposed to be.